Memories
by spiritspell
Summary: Remus' memories are full of pain, anger and fear. Until Sirius, that is.


Remus remembers nothing before. He knows the name of the village they lived in, he knows what his father's job was, he knows that they had a small fat cat, but only because his mother, in an attempt to remind him of a time when things were happy, had told him every little mundane detail of their lives _before. _

He remembers that he was too far from home, had climbed over the small fence at the bottom of their house, crossed a path and ran across several fields. He found a small pond, so far from home that he couldn't even see his house, and waded in, trying to catch tadpoles in the jar his mother had given him.

It was around 6 o'clock, his father would be home from work any minute, his mother would be wondering where he was, dinner was perhaps already on the table.

Remus lifted the jar full of tadpoles that looked like tiny little ink blots swirling around in the dirty water, and walked made his way carefully across the field, trying not to spill the water. He doesn't remember what he heard, only that it gave him goosebumps, and he doesn't remember why he started running exactly, but he remembers dropping the jar full of tadpoles but running on anyway leaving them behind. He doesn't remember how far he ran but he does remember, will never forget, the dark shadow that stepped in front of him, causing him to skid to a halt so quickly that he fell over.

He remembers blind panic as the figure walked even closer to him as he tried to get out of the way, scrambling backwards wildly. He remembers staggering to his feet and running, away from home but away from the_ thing_, whatever it was, because it wasn't a man but it wasn't quite a beast either. He remembers hearing _it_, the bloodcurdling howl that reverberated in his very bones, and he remembers being dragged backwards, not by the creature but by the_ pain_, he remembers the horror when he sees the hulking form of the biggest wolf he has ever seen in his life, and he remembers the bite, because how could he forget.

After that, nothing. Just the pain.

For how long, he doesn't know. It couldn't have been more than an hour before he was found, another before he was in St Mungo's but it felt like years that he lay there, completely enveloped by pain.

The pain seared through him like he'd been set on fire, burning his entire body and swallowing him whole. It was even in his head, destroying all of his thoughts, taking over who he was until he wasn't Remus Lupin anymore, he was just pain.

His father told him, years later that when they found him, finally, his mother fell to the ground screaming, because she thought he was dead. John Lupin never said that perhaps it would have been better if he had died, but Remus heard it in every silence, in every pause.

He remembers his first transformation, a month later, in the cages at the Ministry. Frightened and confused, Remus had paced up and down the cage, wondering where his parents where, until he felt his skin quivering. He felt like he was going to burst out of his skin. He began screaming for his mother, for this to stop, for her to take this away but his bones were already lengthening, nails were already bursting through his skin and his teeth were growing into terrifying, ugly fangs.

And then the pain came. The terrible pain that made him feel like he was tearing open, ripping apart, unable to scream, unable to remember his name until it stopped and he stood, no longer himself. He remembers his father the next morning, running behind another cage to vomit at his crumpled, bloody body. He remembers the scar that he made on his face, that first time. He remembers how he grew his hair to hide it and how he mother always flinched when she saw it.

He remembers his father standing by the kitchen window, fists clenched, _we can't send him away he won't be safe_, and his mother, tearful at the kitchen table, _we have to let him live a normal life, we're suffocating him._ He remembers his parents fighting long into the night, and more than anything he remembers longing for a place he has only heard about in stories. Hogwarts.

He remembers the fist and the sneering look on the boy's face and hitting his head off the wall and sliding to the ground. That was the first time anyone had punched him, in October of his first year at Hogwarts. He remembers the names and the looks and the sneers and the boys in his dormitory stopping their conversations whenever he came into the room and he remembers horrible homesickness and most of all, he remembers feeling like a failure. Dumbledore had taken so many risks, letting him go to Hogwarts and he wasn't even enjoying it, he was lying in bed every night wishing he was at home.

He remembers one night four years later and Sirius' lips on his, and feeling like he could do anything, _anything_, because Sirius Black, loved him and wanted to kiss him and that was stronger and more important than all the pain he'd felt in his entire life.

Sirius, lying beside him, turns over, looks at him.

'Why are you still awake Moony?' he asks sleepily.

Remus shifts so that their noses are touching.

'Just remembering stuff.'

'Well, stop that won't you. Kiss me instead.'

He does, and thinks, _I would take a lifetime of pain just to kiss this boy._


End file.
